Don’t be concerned. I haven’t lost it . . . totally . . . yet. I am here seeking sanity, remember? One stretch of road on my journey toward sanity has brought me to this epiphany: My husband thinks I’m Action Barbie.
Yes, several weeks ago I came to that shocking realization. I, a girl who owned possibly one genuine Barbie doll, have become a Barbie girl in an outdoor Barbie world. Yes, the outdoor Barbie world. Not the one filled with little plastic Champagne bottles and frilly party dresses. Action Barbie has no time for such frivolousness.
I came to this plastic-coated realization while conversing with my loving husband by the wood stove in our little NH getaway. At the time, I was trying to process his ideas of how to spend our summer. Such words as mountain biking (no, not on the road -- really on mountains) and rock climbing were coming out of his mouth. He spoke of getting SCUBA-certified. I think he even started saying something about learning to surf. In a delusional state, when I imagined I heard the word Everest come out of his mouth, I started to giggle. (Well, laugh. Action Barbies do not giggle; we save that for the girls with the Champagne.) "You think I'm Barbie," I informed my husband.
My husband believes that if he buys me cute outfits and shiny athletic gear that I suddenly will be able to do anything. He wanted me to join him in cycling, so I now have clothes in my closet reminiscent of Cyndi Lauper -- colorful and spandex. One would think Barbie takes gingerly bike rides that include festive stops involving ice cream. NOT SO for Action Barbie. No, she rides a minimum of 20 hard miles and her yummy treats consist of sports gel packs and an occasional granola bar. When Barbie learns to ski, one might think Ken would buy her little Barbie-sized skis. B-O-R-I-N-G. Action Barbie (apparently even the getting-scarily-close-to-turning-40 model) laughs at completely controllable skis. Just ask Ken (or my sadistic version of him). Action Barbie learns to ski on planks as long as she is so that each time she points them down the mountain, she knows that her impending doom awaits. Cross-country skiing? Action Barbie says, "Black Diamond me, baby!" Yes, Action Barbie is very . . . well, active. But even Action Barbie deserves Champagne sometimes, right? I mean, she's wrapped in plastic, too. I thought the Champagne was the trade-off. . . Has anyone seen Skipper? She’ll understand.
